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Thirty Days of Cheese: Guilty Viewing Pleasures
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: 1990: The Bronx Warriors
The Warriors meets Escape from New York!?! Rich Manhattan socialite Ann flees to the shambles of the Bronx, circa 1990, and joins up with Trash and the Riders, the skull-totting motorcyle gang in charge of "No Man's Land." The Manhattan Corporation - Ann's arms company - sends in Hammer (the Exterminator) to destroy the Riders and retrieve Ann.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Bad Boys
Chicago teen thug Mick accidentally runs over drug-dealer Paco's younger brother and is sent away to a juvenile correction facility. Paco rapes Mick's girlfriend, J.C., and is fortuitously sent to the same correctional facility. Pretty much as soon as he's there, the teen offenders are betting on which guy will win in the fight to the death.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Band of the Hand
Lord of the Flies meets Miami Vice?! Hardcore survivalist Joe takes five teen delinquents with various crimes (gang bangers, cocaine dealer, murderer and car thief) and teaches them how to survive in the Everglades and downtown Miami.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Cherry 2000
Sam Treadwell, recycling magnet from Anaheim, accidentally breaks his Cherry 2000 robot and needs to find a shell replacement. Enter E. Johnson, red-headed beauty and tracker extraordinaire, to help Sam navigate through Zone Seven - the worst area of the Mojave Desert. Will Sam stay with his bionic girlfriend or trade up for a flesh-and-blood model?
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Chopping Mall
Eight teens have sexy-time at the local shopping mall after hours. Unfortunately, the mall has deployed three "Protector" robots, who take their job very seriously. How will our plucky teens survive? Or will they?
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Class of 1984
Don't mess with the band teacher! Preppy gang leader Stegman (Van Patten) and his band of evil miscreants (Patsy, Fallon, Drugstore & Barnyard) takes on the nebbish new music teacher at school, Mr. Norris (King) and loses horribly. Deeply embarrassing.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Covenant
The four sons of Ipswitch love playing with their magical pubescent powers. Unfortunately, these powers will corrupt and horribly age them once they turn 18. Maturity sucks. Know what else sucks? An evil teen warlock who wants to steal all their powers and kill their girlfriends, among other things.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Dracula 3000
Futuristic space salvage crew boards a seemingly abandoned space ship and finds a dead captain and a slew of dust-filled coffins in the cargo hold.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Dragonheart
Draco - the last dragon - gives half of his heart to evil prince Einon, making him damn near-immortal in the process. Several years later, knight-errant Bowen teams up with Draco to take down Einon. Cheer for the evil prince.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Eating Raoul
Asexual yuppie couple, Paul and Mary, dream of opening a restaurant in Valencia one day. The only thing that stands between them and their dreams is cold, hard cash. Enter the swingers in the building, who carry chunks of change, but expect nasty sex in return. What's a couple to do except kill them for their cash? Enter petty thief Raoul, who's willing to take the bodies off their hands for free. Wonder what's going to happen to Raoul?
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Faculty
Six disparate Ohio students notice their teachers acting strangely (placid demeanors, unexplained deaths and an unquenchable thirst for water) after discovering an unidentified critter in the football field. It's teens vs. teachers, with an alien twist.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: G.I. Joe
Cobra Commander plots treason against Serpentor and is turned into a snake by Golobulus for his pains. The G.I. Joes take sympathy on him, oddly enough.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Havoc
Poor rich girls from the Palisades take a walk on the wild side and hang out with a bemused Latino gang. Much drinking, partying, and sex is involved. One girl cries rape and the rest, as they say, is history.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Heavy Metal
Nine stories intertwine to form the animated awesomeness of Heavy Metal
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: House of 1000 Corpses
The Firefly family seems like such nice folk. They'll have you over for dinner! They'll put on a cabaret show! They'll, er, hunt you, torture you, bury you, dismember you, and murder you. Probably best to avoid the Firefly family, actually. Captain Spaulding's ride is pretty awesome, though.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Jennifer's Body
Satanic band Low Shoulder needs a virgin to sacrifice at Devil's Ketttle to promote their career. Their none-too-bright lead singer, Nikolai, seems to think Jennifer fits the bill, despite all evidence to the contrary ("I'm not even a backdoor virgin!"). Unreliable narrator Needy tells the tale of Jennifer's demonic possession from inside an insane asylum.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Labyrinth
Seemingly alienated teen Sarah wishes for the goblins to take her annoying baby brother away. Oddly enough, the sexy Goblin King Jareth is more than willing to oblige. Many Muppety adventures ensue.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Last Dragon
Talented martial artist Leroy Green returns home to Harlem to deliver Bruce Lee's medallion to the master who can complete his final training. While there, he runs afoul of Sho'Nuff (the Shogun of Harlem) and Eddie Arkadian (evil video game magnet), falls in love with beautiful VJ Vanity, and deeply embarrasses his kid brother ("You're weird, man. Really weird.")
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Lord of Illusions
Do try to avoid creepy old men in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Former cultist Swann and kidnapping victim Dorothea take down the evil, immortal Nix in 1982. Thirteen years later, Nix rises from the dead and goes after Swann and Dorothea. Fortunately, Dorothea's new lover, D'Amour, has the moxie to take on Nix and send him back to hell for good.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Miracle Mile
Trombone-playing Harry meets the love of his life, Julie, at the La Brea Tar Pits. Unfortunately for everyone, he intercepts a wrong number at a phone booth at 4:00 a.m., telling him that nuclear missiles have launched from South Dakota, with a retaliation expected in 70 minutes. Can he save Julie in the wee hours of the morn before Los Angeles is completely destroyed?
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: The New Kids
Recently orphaned teens Loren and Abby are transplanted to Florida to work on renovating their uncle's abandoned amusement park. Abby catches the eye of local toughs Dutra and JoeBob and delicately avoids their dating overtures ("$50 says she won't put out to either of you assholes"). Her brother escalates matters by tying up a near-naked Dutra, threatening him with a knife and stealing his drug money. Dutra and the gang try to rape Abby and kill both the New Kids. Who will prevail?
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: A Night in Heaven
Community-college student by day/stripper by night Ricky (the Rocket) is just trying to get a passing grade in speech class. Enter Faye, his upright uptight teacher who happens to frequent the strip club that he works at. What's a lad to do? Unfortunately, it's less sleazy than you'd think and I'd hoped.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Only the Strong
Class of 1984 meets Band of the Hand! Former Green Beret Louis Stevens decides to teach a bunch of bad Florida teens the Brazilian martial arts capoeira to teach them respect and discipline. Oddly enough, it seems to work.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Pirate Movie
Teen dreams Kristy McNichol and Christopher Atkins tackle an updated Pirates of Penzance, to mixed results.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Sometimes They Come Back
Reluctant teacher Jim Norman returns to his hometown and raises some serious ghosts from his past - three evil teens who killed his older brother and died in a fiery train crash twenty-seven years earlier.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Super Mario Bros.
Brooklyn plumbers Mario and Luigi stumble into an underground world of highly evolved dinosaurs led by King Koopa. They fix a few broken pipes and rescue a kidnapped princess, but as you've probably guessed, this has little-to-nothing to do with the video game.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Tank Girl
Water and Power (W&P) control most of the utilities in post-apocalyptic San Francisco. Enter Tank Girl and Jet Girl to royally screw up their plans and have a smashing good time in the process.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: They Live
What a difference a pair of sunglasses makes! Aimless drifter (Rowdy) Roddy Piper stumbles across a vast alien conspiracy in Los Angeles, revealed through a pair of high-tech sunglasses.
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Thrashin'
West Side Story on skateboards! Sweet skater from the Valley Corey (a.k.a. Tony) takes a shine to hardcore skate leader Tommy's (a.k.a. Bernardo) sister Chrissy (a.k.a. Maria). Tommy's girlfriend Velvet (a.k.a. Anita) knows about the romance, but keeps it secret from her boyfriend. It's Venice vs. the Valley in a skateboarding showdown!
- Guilty Viewing Pleasures: Tommy
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
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